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| Image: Taken by myself @Brick Lane |
Disclaimer: By no means am I talking about all those who suffer from anxiety because every individual with this mental illness has there own story to tell. This is my own personal experience of dealing with a mental illness and how I cope with it. Whether you choose to take my coping mechanisms on board is your own personal decesion I hope you enjoy this post it is something which I have wanted to share with other individuals for some time now.
Anxiety: The Bad
I wanted to begin with Anxiety first because it was the first of the two mental illness I was diagnosed with. Anxiety and depression are two different things, often people put the together and make them "one" if that makes sense. Anxiety is defined by the charity Mind as: "A word we use to describe feelings of unease, worry and fear. It incorporates both the emotions and the physical sensations we might experience when we are worried or nervous about something."
My anxiety began just after I turned thirteen. I was in my third year at secondary school (year 9) and things had started to become difficult. For the last three years I had the same group of friends, they never changed we never came out of our little circle to socialise with other people and I believed that nothing would change and we would remain the best of friends for life. However like a lot of teen friendships there was an argument which at the time seemed like in the end of the world but resulted in losing the only group of friends I had. This is where my anxiety kicked in as I suddenly found myself to be "lost". I had gone from loving school to crying to my mum begging her not to let me go , my grades fell and I became use to my own company. It must of been very apparent that I was unhappy because the teachers began to notice and one day in my maths class the deputy head came and told me that some of the teachers had noticed I was unhappy and that he was going to take me I was going to speak to miss Murray who was the school councillor and that she would help me. At first I was very reluctant because I didn't want to talk to a teacher who I didn't know about my problems and also I thought she was going to be like every other teacher whereby I would tell her about falling out with friends and she would reply "don't worry you will sort it out blah blah blah". However it was completely different! Miss Murray wasn't like the other teachers she was there to listen and give me a wider prospective of things. In the beginning I was seeing her everyday and then as time went on we would see each other from time to time or around school. Having Miss Murray really did help at the time, her room was like a safe place where I could go and escape but now looking back my anxiety became some what worse before it became better. I loved going to Miss Murray in her room and the other teachers so much during school ( in particular break and lunch) that I became dependant on them. They were like my new friends so to speak. I didn't want to go outside and play with the other girls, it was hard enough being in lessons and having people talk and laugh about me,so I would go and see Miss Murray. She began to pick up on how isolated and dependant I had become on being in her room or next-door with the other teachers that she made me go outside (not in a horrible way but for my own good). However this didn't make any difference, I would just hide in the toilets or go somewhere were I couldn't be seen. I skipped lunch so I didn't have to sit in the canteen and miss form time just so I didn't have to see my old group of friends together. fast track now, by the time I got to year 11 things were no better, I was skipping school, had girls following me home and ganging up on me, I was in such a bad place I was literally counting down the days till I finished school forever. It was at this point that I decided that I wasn't going to go to my schools six form and instead go to college. I thought I was making the wrong decision at first choosing to go somewhere else but I wanted a fresh start, where I could start again and where no one knew my story. I ended year eleven with decent grades, enough to get me into college and thats where things changed for the better.
The first couple of month of college where hard because I was in this new place where everyone was the same age as me (and omg there was boys I should of mentioned I went to an all girls school lol!), but at the same time it was resurring that the majority of people where in the same situation as me being in a new establishment. A couple of months in and I had settled in relatively well, I had made a few mates but having anxiety meant I found it difficulty to be myself around people, I had all these thoughts in my head, thinking people where judging me or could sense my fear and panic ( this is something I continue to struggle with today even those I am closet with). On top of this I was putting myself under immense pressure to do well in my work as I was somewhat disappointed with the grades I got at gcse. With all these things going on I started to have panic attacks again (this is something I will talk about in more detail in another post). It was really hard having anxiety and panic attacks around people who I had only knew for a couple of months, i'm sure it was hard for them to especially if they hadn't seen one before.
Anxiety: The Good
If someone had told me that I would finish my college experience with a best friend (who is like a sister to me) I would of said to them that they where talking sh*t and who would want to be friends with me! After Christmas and New year I found myself becoming very close with one friend I had made in particular , Charlotte. It was and still is strange to me that I have her in my life. Like most friendships we found common ground that we both danced and watched youtubers. Our friendship became strong from the moment go, we were speaking everyday (wow this sounds like a love story I promise you its not!) and we just became very close. I felt so comfortable talking Charlotte she didn't Judge me and she just liked me for who I am and wanted to be best friends with me and that was something that I had to get my head around because at this stage of my life I was the most boring person on earth. With this trust came honesty, after a month or so (feels like years ago) I decided to let Charlotte in and told her about my anxiety and depression. I didn't know what to expect as I had never told anyone my age before about my mental illnesses. She was so accepting of it and understood fully what I had to live with. I think it explained a lot to her why I would have really down days and feel anxious when were around other people of doing best friends things because I just wasn't use to it. To this day she continues to be supportive of what I am going through by being there when I need her and cheering me up and reassuring me that everything will be ok. I don't know what I would of done if it wasn't for her support as a best friend, she has come to the hospital with me when I've had panic attacks and is just always there when I need her.
Anxiety: Living with it today
At the moment my anxiety is much better than it has been in recent years. I am unable to do certain things such as being around large groups of people just socialising and go on nights out however I am more optimistic about the future and where it will take me. Charlotte continues to support me alongside my mum, doctor and cbt therapist (cognitive behaviour therapy). My job keeps my occupied and is something which I enjoy as it is good distraction as well a good was for me to work on my people skills. However I must mention despite having all these positive in my life I do have a little help from the medical side. For three months now I have been taking medication for my depression (post on depression soon) but it also helps with anxiety. I was reluctant to take it at first because I didn't want to become dependant on a drug in order to get me through day to day life. However now I can see i've made the right decision. The medication has helped me loads, I am very open about taking it to those who I feel won't judge me or see it as a negative and I think it was the right decision that I made for my own personal situation.
I am sorry this post was so long, but I must say I have enjoyed writing it. I have realised how far I have come over the last five years. I would like to thank those who have read up this point and would also like to say to those who are going through a similar situation to have faith that things will get better in the future, accept the help that is give to you and let those close to you support you, don't shut them out. Below are some useful links and videos which give you more information on anxiety and living with it.
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